i miss writing... i realized that i've been reading so much that i feel that i can write a good story, just like the novels that i like reading.



im already getting used to things already but more than ever, i feel that my confidence is slipping away. im beginning to get spiteful because of exhaustion each day and i begin to keep my frustrations to myself.

i know that things are getting harder but im surviving. things are a bit difficult but im persevering through it. through all the crap and annoyances that i get when i see conceited students at school.


i feel like im getting what i deserve from always comparing myself with people and my work. self defeating words are the only things that i can think of at the moment of disappointment.

anyway, im striving. im trying.

i know im chasing my aspirations that is why its okay to spend three years at school again. im trying to suck it all up and just finish this degree and absorb as much as i can. its not exactly a trip in the park but i know i'll get through it.


just feeling thoruoghly feeling frustrated these days.

i've decided to write again. i missed writing. i don't know if this will be a frequent thing but im happy that i still have free time.

anyway, first week is done. im quite happy since most of my professors are really nice but i know that it comes with a price. it just means that their nice-ness is equivalent to the quality of work that i should pass to them. im kinda intimidated with the sudden shift of work load but thats how things are.

i realized that i started my first term full of resentment, anxiety and annoyance towards the whole idea but i now i've slowly paced my self to accept the way things are. i don't know where its going to take me but im sure to go somewhere if i take things one at a time.

somehow, it'll all work out for the best


sidenote: this cold is the bane of my existence :c

this week we'll be the first day of my second year studying for my second degree. time flies so fast -__-. two more years to go. sometimes i can't believe that i've actually got one year finished. i'm anticipating that things are going to get harder as i progress. what i can i do? i can't control everything that's supposed to happen in the future. i can only do my best for today.


i have to be thankful since i was able to form a sked which doesn't have a saturady class.

sometimes i think that studying again is like a mindless mechanical thing that i've brought myself into. im striving really hard but the thing is im studying to learn and not necessarily just acquire good grades. that would just defeat the purpose of everything that im trying to do.

sometimes i think that i shouldn't think too much.

i'm in my third term for the year, still there are things that bother me.

there is always that fear that you won't be good enough in the things required of me. its been a long time since i last wrote here. for the most part, i feel that i haven't changed. i just want to do good. maybe its just me putting pressure on myself. there is always that fear of failing and disappointing myself. i guess i should learn to attach happiness to my own standards rather than placing it on other people's opinion.

i only think of it as workshops and not actual classes. that way, i wouldn't have to think too much of it.

i've read inspirational quotes online and one of the pictures said that in order to become an artist, one must let go of the fear of making mistakes. these things that we fear day to day are mostly born out of our own mind. the way we overthink things and rely on people's opinion when we could always face the challenges that lie ahead of us.





sidenote: i think i drifted away for the past couple of years. priorities just changed and somehow, i dont feel connected to some of my friends anymore. partly its my fault. i just believe that somewhere along the lines i just got dropped. there are times that i can't go with some of my friends since i'm practically living on allowance. in short i don't have enough money to spend on expensive dining. crummy as that may sound, i guess i'd have to focus on my studies first.

sometimes i wonder what it takes to become a true friend? is it the amount of time spent together? or how much you've been there when they needed you?

part of me wants to leave everything behind. im fine and im doing great, there is no need for headaches and whatnot. im not especially excited. for one, i felt left behind when i think about it.

combined with the summer heat and finals, i feel like i dont want to think about it.

somehow, im not really comfortable with it

sometimes we wonder where life will take us.

once in awhile you have a feeling that you are going nowhere. that you want things so instantly. you want to be where you want to be. you want to feel it in the palm of your hand and you dont want to let it go.

its not there is no meaning in the things we do. its just that we want to see results...NOW. you want to be where really really want to be NOW.

PATIENCE.

im battling with the thoughts of being out there and experiencing things. somehow i feel lost. maybe its just wishful thinking. maybe i want to hope against the reality of things to speed things up. if not, God has other plans for me. im getting anxious. sometimes you wish you know if what you are doing is the right thing.


anyway, i'll think it over and just hope for the best. i need to pray this over.

masakit sa puso.... -___-


i guess part of maturing is knowing how to spend your money wisely. im still a student and there is no way i could earn money while im not focusing on having a job right now.


what sucks the most is having freaking wants while you're investing on something that will benefit you in the long run.


its just a lot of money. i know i can earn it back in the future but while im still a student, im just thinking that its too much.

i got this from my mom's email :D

HANDBOOK 2011 

Health: 
1. Drink plenty of water. 
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.. 
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy 
5. Make time to pray. 
6. Play more games 
7. Read more books than you did in 2010 . 
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day 
9. Sleep for 7 hours. 
10. Take a 10-30 minutes' walk daily. And while you walk, smile. 

Personality: 
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about. 
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
invest your energy in the positive present moment. 
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits. 
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 
16. Dream more while you are awake. 
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.. 
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her
mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are
simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 
23. Smile and laugh more. 
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree... 

Society: 
25. Call your family often. 
26. Each day give something good to others. 
27. Forgive everyone for everything.. 
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 
30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.
Stay in touch. 

Life: 
32. Do the right thing! 
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 
34. GOD heals everything. 
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.. 
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 
37. The best is yet to come.. 
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. 

one thing that i learned as i grew up is that life can be unpredictable for each one of us. i lost my dad at an early age while my friends are struggling with problems of their own. some people i know are well accomplished now while some are still struggling in their work.

we all go through life working around the idea that everything wont go as planned or that we can't always get what we want. we have goals and ambitions and yet it feels so far out of reach. we give time and effort to doing whatever we can to attain the things we want, only to get the second best thing.

life knocks us down.

i dont want to sound much of a downer but sometimes we find ourselves in such situations. when i was still in high school, i always reiterated the fact that it was all about perspective. we are the ones who choose what to believe and what to think. we are the ones who paint the picture we want to see. sometimes we are the ones who are the cause of our own sadness. we choose to see our failures instead of the endless possibilities waiting beyond it.

countless of times, i've compared myself to my friends and people who are pretty much doing pretty well. i often thought that i wouldnt even compare to them. what a loser.

im tired of that. im tired of always trying to compete and trying to reach for something that isnt me. instead of looking for whats wrong, people should just be happy and grateful.

we are always busy. busy with our work. busy with obligations. busy with looking at other people. we never get the chance to just reflect and just be. so what if people are doing a lot better than me? for me, if i have done my best and didn't cheat my way through things, im all good.



whatever happens, i'll just do my best and keep a silly grin on my face.

life is supposed to be enjoyed. its okay to be silly and its more than okay to be happy :D

im resting my days since next week classes will begin again.

i feel like i've rested a lot last term since i got sick. as much as it was really scary to acquire dengue at a sudden time, i felt like it was a blessing. its the longest i've seen of my mother and i felt that she felt rested too.

***

i felt shattered when i went back to school but after everything that has happened, i felt somewhat renewed. i finished one term and i will finish another one. maybe the key is just taking one step at a time. i always look forward. its the way i've been since i was a kid. i still look forward to things like taking summer classes and thinking of other subjects to take up for the next term but now, im not pressuring myself. im allowing myself to at least adjust to whatever will happen next. a plan is just a plan after all.

frankly, im the only one pressuring myself to finish everything in two years. im slowly realizing that its a load of crap since you cant help but think that some educational institutions are only milking students of their money. yes, there is no pure intention of educating people in the world. everything involving money just muddles what should have been done. im ranting because im technically repeating subjects that i've already passed before. life is just unfair. i guess i shouldnt complain since im not taking up a lot of minors.


since it is a new year again, people have an excuse to make changes in their lives. i resolved not to get caught up with negative feelings towards studying again. its getting too old. things will just be fine.

apart from all the resolutions, january is like the only month for me wherein i can wish for anything. i felt that i've given up so much that i deserve to have at least one thing that i could use for my studies. i've been eyeing for a film slr but its too expensive for me right now and my mom doesn't see my immediate need for it. i dont want the event from last year to happen again ( i felt like a total spoiled brat). anyway, i wish i could by the thing without letting my mom know but sadly my funds are depleting.

anyway, all these "wants" will subside once im busy with other things...

now that i think about it, why didn't i invest my graduation money on a camera -___-

***

for now im thinking of just resting myself and doing all the stuff i wasnt able to do